Healing Through Divorce

Charcoal and Pencil Girl Laughing

While divorce signals a painful ending, there is no ending that does not also include a beginning.

Allow yourself the space to fully feel and grieve that ending, see a therapist, journal, reflect on your contributions to the marriage ending with your therapist etc. Then turn your attention to creating your new beginning even if it feels far into the future.

Are there any things that you always wanted to do or to try that you never seemed to get the chance to while you were married? Did any old hobbies fall to the wayside from lack of time or support? Did you always want to take Merengue dance lessons but your spouse refused to go or managed to suck the joy out of it? Did you always want to travel someplace but your ex pooh-poohed it? Did you stop reading/writing/ drawing/ painting etc.? What are the little things you stopped doing over the years that brought you enjoyment? Try them again, see if they still bring you joy or perhaps if you've outgrown them, now's the time to discover new ones.

Have you always wanted a pet but your ex had allergies or just hated fur? Pets can be less work and better companions than many ex spouses ever were.

In between the self-reflection and venting journal entries, write out what you want to create for yourself going forward. Commit to paper what your life would look like if everything works out for the best once your divorce is over. What adventures do you want to have? What type of people do you want to meet? What qualities do they have? If your young kids are going to be splitting their time with their other parent, that means you now have free time you likely haven't had in a while. This could mean more time to visit with friends or the freedom to pursue something for yourself.

If filling up that free time feels scary, rather than ruminating on everything that's gone wrong or numbing out by doom scrolling or mindlessly watching tv, try signing up for a class or activity you think might be fun. Volunteer at a non-profit whose cause you support. Take walks in the woods. Try meditating. Join a bowling, volleyball or golf league. Start a book club. Take a childfree weekend, grab a friend or go alone to a place you've always wanted to visit or where ever the dart lands. Try a bunch of things you might never had considered before at least once just for the sake of trying something new, perhaps improv classes, whatever resonates with your or peaks your curiosity.

It doesn't matter what you pick and the point isn't to mindlessly fill your time, it's to remember who you are, what brings a smile to your face and to discover new things that bring you joy or to rediscover old things that bring you joy. While not always easy especially when you're in the middle of divorce, make sure you prioritize those things that bring you joy when creating budgets for yourself.

Healing from damage that accumulated over the years won't happen overnight or from a single healing session, there is no magic bullet. Healing comes from honoring yourself, all of yourself. The parts that grieve and the parts that hope. Little things cumulatively can have a bigger impact than the big things. Find little bits of joy wherever you can, whether it's enjoying your morning cup of coffee in peace, cuddling with your child or fur baby. Allow yourself to hope and envision a better future for yourself.

“Hope is taking the smallest step forward - day after day - until one day, you realize you’re no longer in the same place… If you feel like the odds are stacked against you; if you wonder whether hope is even possible; if you are still here, even in the smallest way - you are already fighting. That is enough. It has to be.” Sonja Wasden