Common Question: Will My Kids Be Lives Have To Drastically Change?

Divorce will change their lives, without question. The real questions here are "will we have to move", "will they have to change schools", "will we be able to afford their extracurricular activities" and the thing that underpins all those questions, "will my kids be ok"?

The short answer is: Yes, your kids lives are going to be drastically changing because divorce is a drastic change, and yes, they will be ok. Chances are high that one of you is going to move out. How drastic of a change your kids will experience will depend on individual circumstances. How well do you get along with your ex? Will you continue to celebrate things like birthdays together or will that need to be separate? What is your financial situation? Are you the breadwinner, is your spouse the breadwinner or do you both earn about the same? Will you be able to comfortably afford staying in the same home? Will you attempt a nesting agreement or will your children be moving back and forth between each parent's home?

Depending on your circumstances, those expensive travel leagues might become out of reach. How important is being in the league to your child? Does your child genuinely have a shot at becoming a professional or is this something they do for the social aspect? There might be cheaper alternatives that can be explored, such as activities through the park district, local community center or even meet-up groups. You might discover that your kids don't even want to continue with the activity anymore. Maybe they've grown out of it. Or maybe there were only ever doing it because they felt that you wanted them to. And if it will be a blow for them to have to change or even stop, as a parent you sometimes have to make hard choices. Part of growing up is in learning how to handle disappointment. The path that they were on might have to change but it's just a different path, not a worse one. The new path could end up leading them to another even stronger passion. Whether a change is considered good or bad is usually a matter of perspective and mindset.

I felt bad for the longest time because I left my divorce with a crushing amount of debt so I wasn't able to afford a lot of activities for my children. I beat myself up over it feeling like it was my fault that they missed out and worrying that it could impact their getting into a good school. Turns out, my kids never had any interest in any sports and getting into college has not been an issue. My kids are older now and they've shared that they don't feel like they missed out on anything. They looked at their friends that were all in multiple activities and are grateful they had some time to themselves rather than being overscheduled. My son in particular couldn't care less about sports, he does his own thing. A lot of the pressure parents feel around having their kids in a bunch of different activities is more about societal expectations vs. what your children actually want or need.

The biggest, most drastic change my children experienced was no longer living in a hostile environment where their parents are always fighting. While I can't control what happens at their dad's house, I do everything within my power to create a safe and loving environment in my home. Having that safe space has made a world of difference for them. I've worked hard on myself so that I can set positive examples of how to live, treat others and yourself. I live by example and show what respecting others and your own boundaries looks like.

I do everything within my power to ensure that they know they are loved unconditionally. It hasn't always been easy, but we've adjusted to the changes and things are so, so much better.

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If you need help answering some of the questions such as, "Can I afford to stay in the same house" etc. or if you need help creating a realistic budget either pre/post or during your divorce, please reach out.

You may not be able to see where the path leads, but the worst is behind you, better days are ahead.