Is It Abuse?

Or am I over reacting?

Chances are that if you're questioning whether or not you're experiencing abuse, you probably are. People in healthy relationships don't feel the need to ask this question.

Abuse is when someone consistently and frequently chooses to attempt to control another person rather than control themselves. This control can be exerted through various ways, manipulation, coercion, threats of violence, abandonment or actual physical violence. This control can be overt and obvious but more often than not it at least starts off subtle and gradually escalates over time.

Certain behaviors by themselves may indicate someone is having a bad day, is preoccupied or experiencing a difficult time. A more subtle example; your spouse crams so many dishes into the dishwasher that nothing gets clean. When you go to empty out the dishwasher you point out that it was overloaded, the water jets were blocked and therefore nothing got clean.

An abuser's response: Snaps at you, makes their actions and choices your fault, leaves you feeling as if it's easier for you to just do the dishes yourself next time or says things to placate you yet does not ever change the way they load the dishwasher.

Healthy relationship response: Your spouse makes sure not to block the water jet the next time they load the dishwasher so that the dishes can actually get cleaned.

A couple other real life examples of more subtle patterns of abusive behavior:

1. Constantly moves things around on you for no reason other than to make you feel like you're going crazy. Such as hiding phone chargers, umbrellas or other items. They may deny that they moved it or state that the item stopped working or they left it at work or lost it. Then when you purchase more of the item to replace what's been "lost" they accuse you of wasting money purchasing things that you already own. These are not one-off situations, they occur frequently enough that you start questioning your sanity and start thinking that your spouse is incredibly irresponsible.

2. When you work out at home, run on a treadmill etc. and they turn up the thermostat then make a point to tell you that you are sweating excessively.

3. "Accidently" (on purpose) ruining an item of yours while cleaning it. Yet they are able to clean and take care of their own items without ruining them.

If you suspect abuse, pay attention to how you feel in the relationship, when spending time with your spouse. Pay attention to your spouses actions, do they line up with their words. Do you feel safe broaching an issue with them? Do they make genuine efforts to compromise and adjust their behavior that negatively impacts you? If you feel bad more often than not and answered 'no' to these questions you probably are in at the very least, a toxic relationship if not an abusive one.

When ending a relationship with an abuser extra care is required even if they have never been violent with you. Make sure to get your hands on any and all financial documents prior to announcing your plan to divorce them. If you don't have your own bank account or credit history, make establishing those part of your escape plan. Please note that even if an abuser has never before shown violent tendencies, the loss of control over you frequently causes them to escalate their behavior.

Hope for the best but make sure to plan for the worst.